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Can This Family Survive Attention Deficit
Disorder? Lisa and Clark, after eight years of marriage, are contemplating a separation. Much of their conflict centers on parenting six-year-old Gerald, recently diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Gerald has been difficult to manage since he began to walk. Despite their best efforts and attempts to follow the advice of friends, grandparents, and child rearing books, Gerald continues to be difficult and frustrating for both parents. A pattern of criticism, blaming and counter blaming has been established in Clark’s and Lisa’s relationship. ADHD is usually described as a disorder that consists of developmentally inappropriate levels of impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention. Children can have one, or all of these problems to varying degrees. However, that does not really tell the story of living with a child that has ADHD. Lisa and Clark seem to get a never-ending stream of calls from the school. Neighborhood children do not want to play with Gerald, saying he is too “mean” and “bossy.” Gerald seems never to remember the rules of the house or the chores assigned to him. Without one-on-one supervision he cannot follow through on the simplest of tasks: brushing his teeth, picking up his toys, clearing the table. Homework is a nightmare, usually marked by tears, whining and a variety of delaying tactics. The primary disability for a child with ADHD is disruptive behavior. That is, they engage in behavior that we usually label “bad.” Parents of a child with ADHD will complain that their child does not listen, does not finish what they start, does not remember chores, homework, rules, etc. Parents usual response to disruptive behavior is to punish it. Since ADHD is a neurological problem, punishment has little chance of changing the behavior. Further, children who are subjected to excessive criticism and punishment develop a variety of other problems, which can lead to significant increases in their behavioral problems. Saying that a child with ADHD is disruptive still does not tell the whole story. There are a host of other problems that parents of children with ADHD may have to cope with: chronic boredom, low frustration tolerance, argumentative, do not persevere on things that they are not interested in, has few friends, is not responsible, has to be the center of attention, will not eat, will not stay in bed, will not learn; just will not get with the family program. Whew! What is a parent to do? What follows are 18 positive things parents can do to help their families cope with ADHD. 1) Parents must continue to become educated about ADHD. Lisa and Clark knew that Gerald had ADHD, but they still blamed themselves and Gerald for many of the behaviors they were dealing with. Further, they had not accessed any resources that might have helped them with their difficulties. Lisa and Clark must become educated about ADHD and educated consumers of ADHD services. The more a parent learns about ADHD, the more forgiving and empathic they can be of their child’s behavior. With all the free advice and range of “cures” (some of it bordering on quackery, if not outright quackery), where should a parent turn for information? Two excellent resources are listed at the end of this article. ChADD, a national parent support organization, may have a support group in your area. The ADHD Warehouse offers a comprehensive selection of videos and books about ADHD. And of course, do not forget your local library. 2) Recognize and accept that the ADHD child requires more time, more effort, and is hard on the parents’ self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. Clark and Lisa knew that Gerald was more demanding than other children, but had not accepted this yet. They were still waiting for the “magic bullet” that would make Gerald’s difficulties disappear. Furthermore, they were taking their frustrations out on each other. Do not take your frustrations out on your spouse. Share your thoughts and feelings and offer sympathy and support. 3) Accept your own imperfections; do not beat yourself up about your mistakes. A careful clinical interview and history had revealed that Lisa and Clark were good parents. They had yet to discover what was going to be effective for them and Gerald. Every child is an experiment of one. Children with ADHD often do not respond to the usual parenting strategies, and parents will make lots of mistakes. Parents only need to be “good-enough.” Your child will remember that they were loved and nurtured, not your imperfections and mistakes. 4) Acknowledge that the other parent loves and cares about the child also, even though they may have very different ideas. Sometimes in the heat of an argument, it was hard for Clark and Lisa to believe that the other parent really loved Gerald. There may be disagreements about the diagnosis or different parenting strategies. These disagreements are much easier to talk about and accept if you first acknowledge that the other parent wants the best for the child. 5) Recognize that if you live in a family there will be anger, hurt and disappointment. Clark and Lisa had not yet completely given up on their “Ozzie and Harriet” fantasy. Due to the difficulties associated with ADHD, there may be more negative feelings than what you are comfortable with. Parents need to know and remember that anger; hurt and disappointment are part of the parenting package. Expressing these feelings to your partner does not make you a bad parent or mean that you love the child any less. Identify your feelings and talk about them. 6) Lisa and Clark were angry and disappointed that Gerald had ADHD and this “thing” had come into their life. Most parents experience disappointment that their child has ADHD; and this is not a one-time event. Provide support to your spouse when this occurs and avoid being judgmental. Having negative feelings about ADHD does not mean you love your child any less. 7) Dealing with Gerald’s behavior had led to a loss of intimacy in Clark’s and Lisa’s relationship. Mourn together and celebrate together; do not trivialize the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Your child will have successes and failures. What one parent delights in may seem trivial to the other. What the other parent finds completely disappointing may seem inconsequential to the other. Feelings, such as disappointment and delight, are never right or wrong. They simply are. An empathic response will enhance intimacy in the couple relationship and make you better co-parents. 8) Lisa and Clark had supportive parents and came from relatively stable families. This is not true for all of us. It is important to identify family of origin issues. Our parents likely made “mistakes” in parenting that are continuing to affect us, positively and negatively. We all come from families and most of what we know about relationships and parenting we learned in our parent’s home. That may or may not be a good thing. Think hard about your parent’s relationship to each other and to you. What did you like and dislike about it? Did you feel loved and nurtured? Parents sometimes say, “Well, I turned out OK”, to justify a behavior they learned from their parents. What they often mean is that they are gainfully employed and are paying their bills. A more important issue is whether or not they felt loved and nurtured and are now having fulfilling relationships with their spouse and children. When we are in distress because of our children’s behavior we often fall back on our worst, most punitive behavior. When we think deeply about these behaviors, where we learned them, how they made us feel as children, and discuss them with our spouse, we are often able to change them. 9) Lisa and Clark often took it personally when Gerald did not comply with their commands. Parenting is a job and parents benefit by taking a management attitude; that is, do not personalize the ADHD behaviors. Sometimes parents feel their child is misbehaving on purpose, or is out to get them (ADHD children are seldom out to get their parents). At other times, parents feel like such failures they can become extremely angry with their child for making them feel that way. If we remember that part of parenting is simply to be the “boss” and give commands and consequences, we may be able to divest ourselves of much negative emotion. 10) Clark and Lisa often played “hot potato” with Gerald and the school. Identify who the manager of the disability is and support that person/expert. If one parent lacks the time, interest, or inclination to learn about ADHD and the management and treatment of this disorder, that does not need to be a disaster. By recognizing the expertise of the other parent, and providing support in other areas, the non-expert parent can make a significant contribution. 11) Every night, Lisa sat down and argued with Gerald about homework and every morning Clark fought with Gerald to get him to the bus on time. Re-negotiate parenting responsibilities; get out of ruts. Lisa gets up 30 minutes earlier than Clark, and she started getting Gerald up. Gerald began getting up earlier and Lisa was able to reward him with computer time when he completed his morning routine. He loved the extra 20-30 minutes he was getting to spend on his computer each morning. Like many children with ADHD, Gerald responded better to the male voice of his father, so Clark took over homework in the evening and things smoothed out considerably. 12) Gerald’s four-year-old sister had not yet started complaining about all the extra attention Gerald was getting, but Clark and Lisa were worried. Siblings need help to understand ADHD is a disability. Share what you learn as you go along. Give that child appropriate support and acknowledgment for their own individual achievements and provide them with positive attention. It is very easy to overlook the child who is not disruptive. Remind this child that they do not have to be good all the time. Make sure they have time for their friends and activities. 13) Lisa and Clark had not been out alone for 18 months. They were afraid to leave Gerald with a baby-sitter, even though the grandparents had offered to sit. They solved the problem by meeting for lunch or breakfast twice a week, while Gerald was in school and his sister was at her grandmother’s house. Also, they found out one of Gerald’s friends had ADHD. They met the parents and started taking turns baby-sitting. Parents need to make time for themselves and with each other. Finally, parents need to foster individual and conjoint relationships with their children. 14) Lisa and Clark had lost contact with many of their important friends and family members. Parents should avoid isolating themselves. They made a point of regularly inviting friends over and planning family activities to include friends. 15) Clark and Lisa had forgotten how important they were to each other. They got lost in their feelings about Gerald and their battles over parenting. They decided that their first task was to preserve and protect their marriage and then address the ADHD. They spent some time reminiscing about how they met and why they fell in love. 16) Re-negotiate parenting responsibilities. Like many American families, Clark and Lisa had fallen into a traditional division of labor. Clark took care of outside and repair activities and Lisa took care of the inside of the house. Clark disliked cutting the lawn, while Lisa found it a nice break in the week and a chance to be outside without the children. Clark had enjoyed cooking while he was in college, so he took over some of the meal preparation. He included Gerald in this and found out that Gerald enjoyed the time with him and loved to prepare food for his family. 17) Experiment. What works for one child with ADHD, may not work for your child. Lisa and Clark had developed a point system, for Gerald. He earned points for completion of chores and listening the first time. He traded his points in for rewards, such as having a friend over or extra TV time. This is a technique that works for many children with ADHD. But Gerald had a negative reaction to this and he just wanted a list of his chores and then he would complete them. 18) Continue to access services of all types. Families of children with ADHD experience many stressors. Lisa and Clark underwent brief marital therapy and found it very helpful. They discovered that the school was required to provide appropriate modifications and support services for children with ADHD. They contacted their state education agency to find out more about Gerald’s rights in the school system. They located a parent support group and obtained even more information and found out they were not alone in their struggles. Gerald participated in a group for children with ADHD and became better equipped to deal with his peers. Can this family survive ADHD? Absolutely! Children
and families with ADHD can lead happy productive lives. With appropriate
treatment and management, children and their parents can learn to
manage and live with the symptoms of ADHD. Within six months, Clark
and Lisa had changed their attitude about Gerald, themselves and
their relationship. While some problems will persist, and new ones
will develop, both parents are confident their family will continue
to be a source of safety and comfort for all members. Additional resources:
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